Battles
Depression is always something I have struggled with, among other things. It is a constant battle, but most of the time I don't even try to fight it.
I have thought about medication, therapy, psychiatrists or counseling but could never bring myself to rely on other things, or people, to fight my battles. It has been a constant fight in college, every semester the ugly thing called depression rears its huge head and I am ashamed to say I hide and let it take over. It comes in periods of days, or weeks or months and I am always left with the sensation that is never really goes.
Depression is hard to describe. I've realized that over the years. I'm actually taking a creative writing class to help me to learn how, if possible, it can be described. Imagine a dark, heavy something pinning you to the ground, forcing you to close your eyes and tune out the world. You have limited sensations, your ears barely able to pinpoint someone calling your name and your mouth unwilling to cry out. It causes a throbbing pain in your heart, barely perceptible through the madcap thoughts careening through your head. You consider doing things or saying things that you would never "normally" do. You can't fall asleep and when you do, you can't dream. No matter how hard you try, you can't even have a nightmare. You loathe waking up, the sunlight reminding you that you have to make it through the day before slipping back into your comfortable bed. You are exhausted and irritable, pretending to be cheery and lighthearted for other people's sakes.
It is not something you talk about, mainly because there is no way to talk about without sounding completely insane. I don't discuss it because I want to avoid the judgmental views of others.
So, it's my battle, but I can't win on my own.
I have thought about medication, therapy, psychiatrists or counseling but could never bring myself to rely on other things, or people, to fight my battles. It has been a constant fight in college, every semester the ugly thing called depression rears its huge head and I am ashamed to say I hide and let it take over. It comes in periods of days, or weeks or months and I am always left with the sensation that is never really goes.
Depression is hard to describe. I've realized that over the years. I'm actually taking a creative writing class to help me to learn how, if possible, it can be described. Imagine a dark, heavy something pinning you to the ground, forcing you to close your eyes and tune out the world. You have limited sensations, your ears barely able to pinpoint someone calling your name and your mouth unwilling to cry out. It causes a throbbing pain in your heart, barely perceptible through the madcap thoughts careening through your head. You consider doing things or saying things that you would never "normally" do. You can't fall asleep and when you do, you can't dream. No matter how hard you try, you can't even have a nightmare. You loathe waking up, the sunlight reminding you that you have to make it through the day before slipping back into your comfortable bed. You are exhausted and irritable, pretending to be cheery and lighthearted for other people's sakes.
It is not something you talk about, mainly because there is no way to talk about without sounding completely insane. I don't discuss it because I want to avoid the judgmental views of others.
So, it's my battle, but I can't win on my own.
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